The Great British Bake Off, The Great British Sew Off, The Great British Allotment Challenge Off, the Great British O Just Bugger Off.
What else can we add to this matrix of win-win cheap TV? The Great British Toilet Unblocking Off – bunged up bogs are GREAT and BRITISH and from any number of actors’ casting websites we can enlist ordinary members of the public who have personality and can weep completely unprovoked as they overcome or succumb to a series of knockout round challenges.
Week 1, some tyke’s rammed most of a loo roll down the bowl – points awarded for how clean contestants can keep the toilet brush of sodden paper!
Week 2, someone’s had a dump the size of a handbag – scale that and stay fashionable!
Week 3 – combine the challenges of weeks 1 and 2 – but add a puddle of piss as a dilemma for the unblocker … do they clean it up and add more paper to the pile? Or risk treading in it while they attack the ziggurat of shit before them?
All accompanied by plunky-plink plonk string music and interspersed with bleach-colour adverts with bunting and ukulele music – or more and more, tunes with whistling!
Get Sandi Tokvsig or Sue Perkins to present and spike the cannons of all those who claim there aren’t enough women on telly!
There’s an ENTIRE MONTH’S SUPPLY OF COCAINE’s worth of ideas in this pitch.