Paxo was right, they don’t make pant gussets like they used to.

I just bought three pairs of trunks from BHS a week ago, and already there’s a small hole appeared in the groin of the gusset. Damnit, can no fabric on Earth bear the weight?

All I can think of is spider’s silk … maybe I can harness the productive powers of a colony of arachnids, maybe even get them to set up a loom, a mill even. What a partnership, I get indestructible trunks, the spiders get a toehold on the ladder of development, they’d be the new Bangladesh for textile production.

Or this could drive me mad … I could become obsessed with trying to perfect the perfect, indestructible, spider’s silk trunks, and spend all my hours in a laboratory to that end until some freak accident changes my DNA and I become a super-power villain, ‘spider silk pants man’ and launch a whole raft of comic books, Hollywood franchises and then reboots of the same shitting stories every 5 years, ‘J J Abrams’ version of Spider Silk Pants Man’, retold months later in P I Ssoff’s darker reboot, then two weeks later O F Orfucksake’s even darker reboot with all the colour bleached out that two days later is re-released in brighter colours as a ‘restoration’.

Ach. Shit already. I’ll just stick to boxer shorts and let the whole lot hang free and hopefully not knock over too many dustbins.


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